Autumn's Journey
by Moonshimmer Shadow-Phoenix
Summary: A story of a father's journey of single-handedly raising his infant daughter whom is left in his care by her mother. Together they walk through the darkness of life, death, severe mental illness, and so much more. He helps her manage her internal demons. She teaches him of compassion, love, and the desire to protect something no matter what the cost might be. Begins in S01E18. R&R.
1. Autumn Begins

**Autumn's Journey**

This is my very first attempt at writing a Criminal Minds story in years, I deleted my old ones, as they were riddled with spelling and grammatical errors, plot holes, etc. I'm not sure how this will turn out, although I know how I would like it to. I'm hoping it will work out, in the end. This is a post-Season One story. Although, given the content, it will be AU, I am hoping to follow the show's actual episodes as close to canon as possible while still including my own thoughts and ideas. Pairings are canon.

I own nothing, except for my OC, Autumn.

A/N: This story is partly based on the lives of several mentally ill children, mental health blogs, etc. I understand mental illness is a very serious problem, and this story doesn't at all intend to dramatize it or make it seem humorous. I simply want to write this story for myself.

Thank you.

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><p><em>"Autumn seemed to arrive suddenly that year. The morning of the first September was crisp and golden as an apple." - J.K. Rowling <em>

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><p>SSA Dr. Spencer Reid had never been a fan of large crowds, even long before he acquired the titles of 'Supervisory Special Agent' or 'Doctor'. He was very much comfortable in the company of himself only - a majority of the time. He read, studied old cases (once he'd entered the Academy), played solitary games on the computer, and read some more.<p>

He'd never had a problem entertaining himself with his own mind. Having an encyclopedic brain could be very useful if you had a lot of time alone. He remembered happier times spent with his mother, could think back on films and television shows that he had watched in his teen years, reflected on beautiful scenery he had seen in his adulthood...

Granted, it was easier to remember things if he had read them and not just _seen_ them, but he was still capable of recalling a lot of detail in other sensatory ways - visual, haptic, speech, and auditory perception.

Growing up as a child prodigy in Las Vegas had been difficult, particularly when he had skipped several grades ahead of his age. Being younger than his classmates certainly didn't earn him a lot of friends, so it wouldn't be surprising to anyone that he hadn't dated like most of his "normal" peers did.

And after what happened with Harper Hillman and the football team, he didn't trust another teenage girl enough to even try to get close to one.

Once bitten, twice shy, after all. That was the modern-day English translation of William Caxton's famous words.

Not that being bullied had been the only reason; his general social awkwardness outside of anything non-academic, and his almost crippling insecurity about himself had only fueled that.

An only child, raised by his sick mother from between the age of ten to eighteen, he learned to keep himself content with the gift of his mind, and not worry about being like everyone else. Because he never _would_ be like them.

It didn't mean that he wasn't ever lonely, though. That he didn't wish for companionship at times.

Because he did. Craving the company of others was a part of human nature. If he never suffered from loneliness, that would make him less than human, wouldn't it?

Despite his lack of engagement with people outside of his work, he still noticed _them_.

Females.

That was just part of being a man, so of course he noticed them. He noticed their appearance - how they tended to be shorter than males the majority of the time, how they looked softer and more delicate (not that he would dare say so in front of the women on his team), and they were also more attractive.

He probably noticed more details than others when it came to women, just like he noticed more than anyone else at other things.

He would see a particularly pleasant-looking girl that he passed at Van Ness-UDC station. See how her pale blue eyes lit up as she read something amusing on her cell phone while she walked, or how the girl who he often sees jogging in Rock Creek Park has an uneven number of freckles on her face, four on the right, and six on the left.

It probably seemed shallow, but he had always found himself more attracted to blonde women. He wasn't sure why, he just found them prettier. The moment he first laid eyes on J.J., he thought she was beautiful. Harper had also been blonde. He didn't acknowledge that his mother had been blonde before stress and older age had turned her hair gray - no matter what Freud said, thinking about it just made him feel as though he had bugs crawling over his skin.

But back to the point at hand, despite his attraction and preferences that any other guy could have, he had never acted on them. He wasn't sure how to relate to them, so he often became flustered when forced to communicate with them in a non-intellectual environment.

Pushing his loneliness away was fairly easy, and he managed to...not _forget_, because he never forgot anything, but...distract himself from his deep-rooted longing for a closer relationship with someone. He had managed to deny any romantic desires he had.

At least until he met _her_.

Lila Archer.

* * *

><p><strong>This is just a short summaryprologue chapter. The first real chapter will interpret both Reid's and Lila's feelings for one another when they first meet and such. I'm trying to keep Spencer in character as much as possible, and I think the best way to do that is to avoid first-person point of views, and just stick with 3rd person, because it's easier for me. **

**Let me know what you think so far, and if I should continue!**


	2. Is This First Love?

**Autumn's Journey**

This is my very first attempt at writing a Criminal Minds story in years, I deleted my old ones, as they were riddled with spelling and grammatical errors, plot holes, etc. I'm not sure how this will turn out, although I know how I would like it to. I'm hoping it will work out, in the end. This is a post-Season One story. Although, given the content, it will be AU, I am hoping to follow the show's actual episodes as close to canon as possible while still including my own thoughts and ideas. Pairings are canon.

I own nothing, except for my OC, Autumn.

A/N: This story is partly based on the lives of several mentally ill children, mental health blogs, etc. I understand mental illness is a very serious problem, and this story doesn't at all intend to dramatize it or make it seem humorous. I simply want to write this story for myself.

Thank you.

* * *

><p><em>"I could not tell you if I loved you the first moment I saw you, or if it was the second or third or fourth. But I remember the first moment I looked at you walking toward me and realized that somehow the rest of the world seemed to vanish when I was with you." - Cassandra Clare<em>

* * *

><p>He had been captivated by her at the very first moment they met.<p>

When his former classmate pointed her out and insisted on introducing them, he had barely heard him speak. Everything seemed to disappear - Gideon, the art gallery they were standing in, the classical music playing in the background.

All he saw was _her_.

It only lasted for a moment, but that was all it took.

Now, Spencer Reid didn't _believe_ in love at first sight. Because it didn't exist. It was all in the brain, chemicals and nerves and neurotransmitters like Serotonin. But suppose he _did_ believe in it.

_**If** _he did believe that there was such a thing as love at first sight, he would have to believe that love is based strictly on visceral reaction to someone else's physical appearance. Which, if he did believe in it, would strike him as rather shallow. People who claimed that they fell in love with this or that person the moment they saw them are ignorant, or simply delusional. Seeing an actor on a television screen doesn't mean you are seeing the real them, something most people seemed to forget.

That's why Reid always imagined that if he were to fall in love, it would be a meeting of the minds. An intellectual and emotional connection, not a physical one.

Still, he could not deny that Lila Archer was... aesthetically pleasing.

She was average in height - around five foot six, give or take an inch. But that was the only thing about her that was average. She had long, softly curled light blond hair which reached midway down her chest, big eyes of a blue-green color that seemed to shift and change shades in certain lights, and a sunny complexion that came from living in Los Angeles.

He, of course, remembered every last detail about her. Like how she was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.

Sunday, April 2nd, 2006.

He doubted he could forget that date, even if he tried.

Parker had introduced them, and by the time he managed to remember how to move his mouth and let go of her extremely soft hand that she had offered to him to shake, all that came out was an awkward, stuttered attempt at telling her his name.

Reid never thought she would end up liking him. He truly thought that her kissing him in the pool that night had been a result of transference - she felt close to him because he was trying to keep her safe.

And after all was said and done, he had been proven wrong.

She had called him, the day before he was going to fly out of L.A. with his team. He had given her his cell phone number when her stalker was still at large, in case she ever remembered or thought of something, she could tell him immediately.

But the call had surprised him. Not only because he didn't expect it, but because of what she had said.

_"I need to see you before you go, Spencer. Tonight. Can you meet me at the coffee shop across from Dove Park? On West 1st Street, please?"_

That was just a few blocks from the hotel he was staying at.

He was momentarily stunned, "I.. um, uh... y-yeah. Sure, yes. I'll see you...there?" he inwardly groaned for once more stumbling over his own words.

_"Thank you."_ Reid could practically hear the smile on her face as she spoke,_ "I'll see you soon, Spencer."_ And then she hung up.

* * *

><p>He checked the time as he walked down the street. It was quarter to six. Another six hours and fifteen minutes, and the day would be over. April 6th would shift to the 7th of April.<p>

Reid glanced up just in time to not pass by the park that was across the street, the large wooden sign with a white dove resting on a pond was unmistakable. He turned around and saw the coffee shop staring right down at him.

Charm Café.

Looking around for a moment, wondering if Lila was already inside, he opened the small glass door and a light bell chimed to announce his arrival.

The place gave off an almost immediate feeling of cozy friendliness. It was small with dark marble floors and mahogany wood paneling, lit gently by a chandelier hanging above, the counter was directly to the back, with four booths on the right side and six tables lining the left side. It indeed was charming.

Scanning the area, he noticed only one person other than the barista behind the counter and a woman mopping the floors.

Lila, sitting at the booth near the far end, almost completely hidden from sight,

But it was definitely her.

Wondering why she possibly could have asked him to meet her here, he took a deep breath and walked towards where she was sitting, looking across the room out the window, watching the darkening of the streets.

"Hi, Lila." He began, and she glanced up at him as he moved to sit across from her. Almost immediately he noticed the slight redness of her eyes, how her cheeks looked slightly puffy, and the tips of her lashes were shiny and wet.

She had been crying.

"Spencer." She whispered, her voice as soft and lovely as always.

"What...what's the matter? Did something happen?" In hindsight, he probably should have understood why she had been upset at the time. But truthfully, understanding the feelings of others wasn't exactly his strong point.

"I can't do this." She admitted, closing her eyes tightly and drawing a deep, shaky breath. "I can't. I'm trying to hard to understand, but I don't. Maggie... I thought she was my best friend." Oh.

_Oh_.

"L-Lila," he reached forward, about to take one of her hands in his own, before dropping them back to his sides, thinking better of it. "Listen... I know how hard all of this must have been for you, but don't try to understand. Because you won't. And even if you can, you won't want to understand once you do. Some people are born ill...some people become ill overtime, the best thing you can do is just forget about it."

"I doubt I'll ever forget." She murmured, opening her eyes again, "I feel...responsible. She did all of this because of me, and I didn't know-"

He interjected then, "Exactly. You didn't know, and you couldn't have. You're not at fault here, Lila. It was out of your control. What happened to those people was not your doing. Maggie killed them, and she's the only one who holds any responsibility in that matter."

She looked at him for a long moment, before she smiled that breathtaking smile. And for a moment he couldn't help but remember how soft her lips felt against his.

After that, they spoke of anything else but Maggie Lowe.

They talked for a very long time, all night in fact. About anything and everything. Reid wanted to know more about Lila, and she him. She asked about why he joined the FBI, about his family, his favorite books, what he was like as a child.

He learned so much about her that night. She had always dreamed of being an actress, and had her sights set on Julliard from age eleven. She was raised Catholic, but not strictly. Her mother was a wealthy real estate investor, and her father a state's attorney. She was an only child, like him, and grew up mostly with her grandparents since her own mother and father were so busy. When she was staying with them, it was never both at the same time.

She would be twenty-four in a couple of weeks, on April 22nd. She was in the drama club and choir in high school, as well as taking ballet and tap dancing for fun. She had to have a special gluten-free diet from a young age because she had Coeliac Disease. She wanted to visit France someday, and maybe Italy, the two countries best known for their fine foods. She loved cooking.

He'd never opened up to anyone so quickly before, but that night he was sure they had both told the other everything there was to know about themselves.

They didn't leave the café until two in the morning.

What happened after that was hard to describe.

They were going to take a walk through the park, but that ended rather quickly when it started to rain abruptly, and they ended up running the several blocks back to her place on Pike street. For some reason he felt the adrenaline course through his body, and Lila was giggling as they ran, trying to shield their heads with their arms. He tried to stop for shelter under a nearby bus stop, but she grabbed his hand and kept pulling him along.

When they arrived at her house, she asked him a question that would cause the massive turn of events in his life,

"Will you come inside with me?"

Without going into too much detail about what happened after that, let's just say that what they both experienced that night changed them both permanently. A single night of unspoken passion and lust, of comforting and new experiences, well...everything seemed perfect.

* * *

><p><em>"It's okay, we can take our time."<em>

_Another soft kiss. Fingers combing through his damp hair, and those gorgeous eyes looking up into his again. "I trusted you. Now I need you to do the same."_

* * *

><p><em>"We can't... I should have thought of this before... The risks-"<em>

_For only a moment, her eyes were filled with pain, but then he blinked and it was gone. "It's okay, Spencer. I...I can't...you know. I-I only miscarry. We're fine."_

_She hadn't spoken of it in a very long time. Not since Greg, her boyfriend of several years, __had left her shortly before __she got the role on the show. He never told her why, but she knew it was because of her condition._

_"I'm sorry, I didn't-"_

_"Shh. It's okay. Just...just kiss me, please." A soft request._

_He complied without hesitating._

* * *

><p><em>Every single moment would be forever etched in his memory.<em>

_Bare skin against skin. Her warm lips on his. Hearing both of their breathing echo in the room. The way his blood boiled when she touched him for the first time. How her hair was just as soft as he had imagined it might be. Her voice whispering gently in his ear._

_Everything._

* * *

><p>Spencer Reid didn't believe in love at first sight, he maintained that.<p>

However, if he ever did or had, he had no doubt in his mind that Lila Archer would have been the one he fell for.

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><p><strong>Thoughts? Leave a review and let me know! Thanks!<strong>


	3. The Decision

**Autumn's Journey**

This is my very first attempt at writing a Criminal Minds story in years, I deleted my old ones, as they were riddled with spelling and grammatical errors, plot holes, etc. I'm not sure how this will turn out, although I know how I would like it to. I'm hoping it will work out, in the end. This is a post-Season One story. Although, given the content, it will be AU, I am hoping to follow the show's actual episodes as close to canon as possible while still including my own thoughts and ideas. Pairings are canon.

I own nothing, except for my OC, Autumn.

**Chapter Warning**: Trigger warning for miscarriage, with semi-disturbing, non graphic descriptions. I apologize if this upsets anyone.

A/N: This story is partly based on the lives of several mentally ill children, mental health blogs, etc. I understand mental illness is a very serious problem, and this story doesn't at all intend to dramatize it or make it seem humorous. I simply want to write this story for myself.

Thank you.

* * *

><p><em>"But you had dreams for me, you wanted the best for me. And you made the only choice you could that night. You gave life to me, a brand new world to see. Like playing baseball in the yard with Dad at night. Mom reading 'Goodnight Moon', and praying in my room. So if you worry if your choice was right, when you gave me up, you gave everything to me." - Mark Schultz<em>

* * *

><p>Lila Archer had thought she would never be able to have children.<p>

It wasn't that she never wanted them, because that couldn't be further from the truth. She wanted to have a baby, and she had ever since her first big break as an actress. Her boyfriend at the time, Gregory Adams, was her first "real" love, the first person she had ever become serious with.

They had spoken at length about getting engaged. For months after graduation they talked of nothing but their future together - making it big on the screens, securing their jobs, fame, and then...when they were ready, settling down. Getting married, and having children. Two, maybe three. Hopefully one of each gender to balance everything out. They wouldn't be like the Hollywood parents you hear about all of the time. They wouldn't have them just for the publicity and then dump them on a nanny for 24/7 in order to party and live it up.

No, they would be a _real_ family. Filled with love and happiness.

So it certainly wasn't an _unwelcome_ surprise when, shortly after she turned twenty years old, she went to the doctor after persistent nausea and cramping (not to mention loathing the sunlight because she just didn't feel like getting out of bed in the mornings anymore)...

...and found out that she was pregnant.

She immediately told Greg, because she knew he would want to know of his impending fatherhood as quickly as possible. When she told him, he cried, then he hugged her and spun her around in his arms, and then they cried together before going out to celebrate.

At the end of month number one, they flew out to Northfield, New Jersey, where she was from, and then a week later to Brooklyn where his parents lived. Soon both of their whole families and social circles knew. Everyone was either thrilled for them, or envious.

Everything for her future seemed to be set in motion.

It was shortly into the fourth month when she found out they were having a baby boy.

Greg looked happier than she had ever seen him before, and they bought a modest-sized family home in South Beverly Park, a large, gated community in a wealthier neighborhood of L.A.

They had just finished moving in (well, Greg and the hired workers had moved everything in, he had hovered constantly and told her not to do anything too stressful), when they decided that they would get married immediately after the baby's birth. They wanted to be a proper family, after all.

She spent her days talking with friends and family over the phone, and designing her son's nursery.

But then _it_ happened.

Week nineteen.

And her perfect world came crashing down around her.

The horrible memory still haunted her at night. She remembered every detail, despite how much she desperately wanted to forget it all.

* * *

><p><em>Horrible throbbing pain throughout every inch of her body.<em>

_Locking herself in the bathroom, refusing to speak to Greg, or anybody._

_Deep, inconsolable sobbing for hours on end._

_Laying in the bathtub, staring blankly at the ceiling._

_The water a faint red - a color she once loved, but now despised._

_Her skin streaked with crimson._

_And the guilt._

_The guilt that nearly destroyed her._

_An agonizing, heart-wrenching guilt that pulled at her very soul._

_The questions running through her head over and over again, endlessly:_

_"What did I do wrong?"_

_"Why wasn't I strong enough?"_

_"What should I have done?"_

_"Why did this happen?"_

* * *

><p>The second time she got pregnant was intentional. It was expected. She hadn't wanted to try again - she didn't think she could handle it. But Greg convinced her not to give up hope. They would have children, all of their dreams would come true.<p>

So they kept trying.

While doing so, she read everything she could find locally about healthy pregnancies and giving tips on how to improve her condition to make conception more likely. She consulted a total of eight different people just as a precaution - her current doctor, a general physician, an obstetrician, a gynecologist, a nutritionist, a perinatal nurse, a midwife, and a labor coach.

She wanted to be prepared. She put herself on the healthiest diet possibly, and more carefully watched out to make sure she didn't accidentally ingest any gluten. She exercised the right amount every day, to try to get her body as healthy as she possibly could. She stopped drinking or eating anything that could upset her stomach, and essentially cut out anything that could minimize her chances of a healthy, full-term pregnancy.

It worked. She became pregnant once more, in December no less.

She took it as a sign. The wintry month was the month of miracles and magic, of family and warm hearts and love and wishes.

This time things would go right, she would do everything to make sure it did.

She and Greg decided not to learn what the gender would be this time, they wanted a surprise. Despite all of their pre-planning, they did not design a nursery.

Not this time.

Because along with the indescribable joy, there was an underlining feeling of fear.

But she refused to acknowledge it, because fear meant there was _something_ to be afraid of. And she couldn't be afraid, because she had done everything _perfectly_ this time around. Nothing could go wrong.

Except it did.

The therapist she had seen long after everything had happened, Dr. Blair Andrews, said that all the preparation in the world may not have prevented it. Sometimes there was no rhyme or reason to why these horrible things happened to women and their partners, they just did. Sometimes it wasn't preventable.

That didn't stop her from having a full nervous breakdown in the doctor's office when she found out.

It didn't stop her from not leaving her house for the following three months.

Knowing, deep down, it truly wasn't her fault didn't stop her from drinking away the pain, and memories, and guilt, and frustration and endless sorrow.

And it sure as hell didn't stop Greg from leaving her four months after she miscarried for the second time.

He never told her why, but he didn't have to. She knew. She had always known.

Because she wasn't what he wanted. She couldn't give him the one thing he wanted most, so he had left her to find someone who could.

The night when she came home from the bar to find him and his things gone, with only a goodbye letter in his place, she allowed herself to cry for the first time since the appointment that ruined her life. It broke her temporarily out of her alcohol-and-pain-numbed state.

The next day she found a realtor to sell the house.

Let a successful, happy family move in to it. She would never need such a big place. Because she would never have anyone to share it with.

The only things she took with her was a box of keepsakes she had carried since she left home at eighteen, her wallet, and the matching heart-shaped lockets that carried the ashes of both her children.

She named the first one, her son, Logan. She had always loved that name. The second one, whose gender she never got to know - because at eight weeks it was simply too soon - and named it Chris. Because it worked. Christmas, Christopher, Christina... She didn't know if it was a boy or a girl, but the name seemed fitting - unisex and representing the season of its conception...and death.

So much for Christmas miracles.

Lila wouldn't lie. She was on the verge of suicide when she met _him_.

Michael Ryer.

He found her working a lame gig as an extra on the set of a bad alien invasion flick. He saw her self destructive behavior, and the hopelessness in her shadowed eyes, the way she hunched in on herself when she walked, making her look more fitting for the role of a zombie rather than an extraterrestrial.

Still, he managed to look past all of her pain and anger, and see potential.

He took her under his wing as her manager, he helped her become _known_ again. He got her back on her feet, and moved her out of that horrible motel she had been staying in, despite being able to afford better.

He saved her life.

Little did she know that he wouldn't be the only one to do so.

* * *

><p>Lila had thought Spencer was cute the moment she laid eyes on him. He was dorky, adorable and shy. She saw through his awkwardness immediately, he was socially inept and probably the most intelligent person she had ever met. She was intrigued by him as well, his way of speaking and understanding, but most of all she wondered about his choices.<p>

Who would choose to be surrounded by so much pain and depravity, such ugliness, when they could put their minds to something so much more beautiful?

She didn't understand until after he arrested Maggs.

He did it because of her.

Well, her and people like her.

He did it to save people - had risked his life to save hers. No one had ever risked so much just for her before, not even Michael. She was touched, even though she knew it was just him doing his job, it still felt important to her.

She didn't care what he said about transference or whatever, or that psychoanalyzing stuff. She cared about _him_, she was attracted to _him_, and she had been since they first met - it had nothing to do with his protection of her.

Not at first, anyways.

* * *

><p>The night she spent with him was...different. Wonderful and perfect, but so very strange.<p>

When she had been with Greg for the first time, he had been the one doing the talking, the comforting and the holding. He had been the one that needed to take things slow, and gentle, because she was nineteen and almost embarrassingly inexperienced.

But this time around it was her that had to be the understanding one. Spencer may have been a genius, but there were some things completely foreign to even him, things that could not be fully understood by just reading about them. They had to be lived and experienced for you to really get it.

Still, at the time she felt as high as a kite, elated in a way she hadn't in probably years. Her blood boiling in the best kind of way. She wasn't the type to have one-night-stands or short term love affairs with near-strangers, and that wasn't what she had intended when she called Spencer before.

All she wanted was answers.

But they had made a connection in that little café. Something she had never had with anyone before. Not Greg, not Michael, no one.

She never regretted it for a second, even when nothing permanent between them came after their single night together.

Even after everything that would happen over the next few years, she still would not regret it.

How could she regret the third thing that saved her from her own destruction?

* * *

><p>Her heart sank when she heard the news, at her doctor's appointment on May 5th.<p>

_Pregnant_.

27-28 days, so just under one month.

_"No! Please no. Not again."_

She'd had a feeling, that gut feeling that made you just _know_ when something wasn't right. It was what made her book the appointment in the first place.

She couldn't do this again. She couldn't be responsible for the death of another child.

But that was out of her hands now.

Either she carried the baby for as long as it would survive, and have it die just like the others, or...

_No_. There was nothing she could do. Either way it would happen again. She was filled with an incredible wave of despair and dread. She cancelled anything and everything she had planned for the rest of the month, and isolated herself in her home, awaiting what would inevitably come.

It seemed morbid, now that she thought back on it, but every morning when she woke up, she would hold her breath as she pulled down up the edge of her nightgown, to look for the pool of blood that she knew would be awaiting her.

She hoped for it to come sooner rather than later.

It would be better if she had less time to get attached.

Deep down in her heart she knew, and in the back of her mind was the last shred of hope she had whispering _"Maybe this time will be different."_

She doubted it would. She didn't have much light left in her.

But it was. It was so very, very different.

Three time's the charm.

When the end of the month came and nothing particularly bad or unusual had occurred (vomiting the entire contents of her stomach out in the morning wasn't considered odd), she thought God or whatever was out there - because honestly, she wasn't sure she believed in anything good anymore - was playing a cruel trick on her. Trying to get her hopes up just to tear her down again.

It crossed her mind to call Spencer. A few times actually, but in the end she decided against it. Why put him through the same pain and suffering she had to go through, why make him live with the knowledge that he would have a dead son or daughter in a few weeks time?

By mid-June she was starting to get afraid. The longer it took for the miscarriage to occur, the more serious it would be.

The more painful it would be.

And she wasn't sure she could handle anymore pain.

* * *

><p>She was in shock when the doctor revealed what her ultrasound showed in early July.<p>

A perfect normal, completely healthy fetus.

Once the news had truly set in, she had a bad taste in her mouth. A bittersweet-ness that wouldn't go away no matter how much water she drank.

Of course she would have a baby _this_ time around. Her manager had died, she was an emotional nightmare, she had no partner to speak of, an unstable home life, and her work schedule had been hectic.

_"Why now?"_ she had wanted to scream out loud. Why, the third time, was it successful? Why when she was completely unprepared and unsuited for motherhood did she have to have her choices taken away from her yet again? Not having the baby was out of the question, because she honestly doubted she would ever have the chance again.

She wasn't ready... but her baby was.

That left all other options out.

* * *

><p><em>December 27th.<em>

_That was the predicted due date that she had been given._

_Yet another winter._

_But this time would be different._

* * *

><p>She didn't see it coming, because it all happened in an instant.<p>

The only thing she heard in that moment was the sound of crushing metal and shattering glass as her car was eviscerated by the impact a several-ton pickup truck plowing into the side of her vehicle, in the middle of an L.A. intersection on a sunny afternoon.

It made the news, like everything that happened in California. You couldn't blow your nose around here without someone writing about it, or posting it on YouTube.

_"Six-month-pregnant Hollywood starlet Lila Archer was rushed to the Ronald Reagan UCLA Medical Center earlier today after a truck collision destroyed her car upon impact, there is no news so far about the condition of either the actress or her unborn child."_

* * *

><p>When she woke up, she felt oddly pain-free. She couldn't remember what happened, but she was in the hospital, and she didn't know why. When the nurse told her about the accident, her hands immediately flew to her stomach. She was relieved to feel the bump moving beneath her fingertips.<p>

And then a doctor told her they would have to induce an early labor. She needed surgery, and doing so with the fetus still inside would put them both at risk.

She refused to let her terror show, because deep down she expected something like this to happen eventually.

* * *

><p>The cesarean occurred on an early Saturday evening.<p>

Excluding everything afterwards, such as the placenta and the sealing of her incisions, the actual surgery took just over a half an hour to complete.

A baby girl, they told her, but she didn't hear them. She was too busy staring down at the tiny bundle resting against her breast, and she held her as gently as she could, fearing the infant might break otherwise. Even still rather pink and inhuman looking, she was the most beautiful thing that Lila had ever laid eyes on. She knew she needed to enjoy this moment now. The baby was premature, which meant she would have to be hooked up to wires, closely monitored, and likely kept in the prenatal ward for a while. These were all things she had learned about while preparing for her second pregnancy.

"Do you have a name picked out?" The nurse asked her.

"The date," Lila demanded, "What day is it?" she didn't answer her question, at least, not right away.

"September 23rd, why?"

"The first day of fall..." the blonde woman murmured to herself, and gazed down at the small creature that she had birthed. A genuine smile lit up her whole face, for the first time in months, "Autumn." She said without a moment's hesitation. "Autumn Diana."

It was on that day that she began to feel happiness again.

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday, October 24th, 2006<strong>

It was so cold that night. The rain was coming down hard, and the wind was biting. But she had to go through with this. If she didn't do it tonight, she would lose any and all courage she had. And she had to do it.

For _her_ sake.

The only sound besides the hissing of the wind and splattering of water droplets hitting the pavement was her gentle footsteps. Autumn was fast asleep in her carrier. She will stay like that, Lila knows for certain, because she spent the whole day playing with her and taking her places, not just in preparation for this night, but because the one-month-old baby didn't sleep unless she had been physically stimulated for hours earlier. She was a restless child.

As a precaution, Lila bad put an Mp3 of lullabies in Autumn's blankets, she was bundled up tightly but the speaker buds are resting near her ears, keeping her soothed and sleepy so she didn't feel any discomfort from the travel they had taken. The arm that is not carrying her daughter's makeshift bed was holding a box tucked under her arm, filled with everything her child will need, for now at least.

She doesn't acknowledge the way her heart is breaking, or the guilt that is trying to tear her apart inside. After thinking hard about this for more than a week after...the incident, she had decided this was the only option. And the best thing for her - for _Autumn_ - in the end, she hoped.

Still, even as she pulled the guard over Autumn's carrier and set it down with the box nearby, and even as she rang the doorbell for apartment C3, she is second-guessing herself.

It doesn't stop her from turning and running down the empty D.C. street as fast as her legs can carry her.

She didn't allow herself to cry until she was a good three blocks away. And when she dud allow it, she covered her mouth so no one would hear the sobs threatening to rip from her chest. Her tears mingled with the rain, disguising her pain from the rest of the world.

_"I'm sorry."_

* * *

><p><strong>I'm aware that the ending seems somewhat rushed, and looks like an evil cliff hanger, so I'm just going to take the honest route here... it's about quarter to four in the morning and my fingers are throbbing. I'm done with this chapter.<strong>

**Also, I really didn't want anyone to know why Lila did what she did until Reid finds out. So I'll most likely post that tomorrow, in the next couple of chapters.**

**Hope you're enjoying it so far!**


	4. Finding Out

**Autumn's Journey**

This is my very first attempt at writing a Criminal Minds story in years, I deleted my old ones, as they were riddled with spelling and grammatical errors, plot holes, etc. I'm not sure how this will turn out, although I know how I would like it to. I'm hoping it will work out, in the end. This is a post-Season One story. Although, given the content, it will be AU, I am hoping to follow the show's actual episodes as close to canon as possible while still including my own thoughts and ideas. Pairings are canon.

I own nothing, except for my OC, Autumn.

A/N: This story is partly based on the lives of several mentally ill children, mental health blogs, etc. I understand mental illness is a very serious problem, and this story doesn't at all intend to dramatize it or make it seem humorous. I simply want to write this story for myself.

Thank you.

* * *

><p>"Sometimes you plodded through life with nothing changing from one month to the next no matter how much you yearned for a revolution to erupt beneath your feet. And sometimes your whole world imploded and rebuilt itself in a matter of seconds." - Laura Kaye<p>

* * *

><p>Spencer Reid was not in a good mood tonight, not at all. He was exhausted and the most recent case had been more than a little emotional. Not only had Elle shot and killed a suspect - possibly in cold blood if her behavior was any indication - but the lack of sleep in the last few days had given him a terrible headache.<p>

Hopefully nothing a couple of Advil and a goodnight's sleep wouldn't fix.

It had been raining most of the night, leaving it rather cold outside, but had thankfully stopped by the time he returned to D.C. He was already fantasizing about his nice, warm bed as he headed down the block where his apartment building was... and immediately paused.

Something was going on.

There was an ambulance right outside, several police cars and even a fire truck. What was going on? Seeing as he lived there, he decided to find out for himself rather than wait along with the couple dozen people lingering around, trying to figure out what was happening.

He approached the nearest police officer and flashed him his credentials, "This is my apartment building." He said when the man gave him a questioning glance, "What happened?"

"There was a baby abandoned on the steps of the building with a box and an envelope, addressed to apartment C3. A neighbor heard the kid crying and called 911."

Reid blinked, his eyebrows furrowed in confusion. C3? But that was his apartment! Why would someone abandon a helpless baby in the middle of a rainstorm in October? It was practically freezing out. He had to know what all of this was. It was possible that someone had left it there knowing he was an FBI agent, maybe it was a kidnapped child, or something...his mind was racing with questions.

"Can I ride along with you?" He addressed the officer, "I live in C3, this might have something to do with my job."

"Sure, kid, suit yourself."

* * *

><p>"Can I help you?" The receptionist at the hospital asked, her blue eyes sparkling as she looked up at the tall agent expectantly.<p>

"Uh, yes. Um, I'm here about a...a baby," Reid began, stumbling a bit over his words, "Not my baby, but an abandoned one that was brought in about five minutes ago. I-I'm from the FBI, and it was left at my apartment complex, I just want to make sure it's okay." He finished awkwardly.

Thankfully, the woman, Amy, seemed to understand. "Of course. Hold on a second, let me page the doctor for you." She turned away from him to call whoever had been put in charge of looking over the child.

Minutes later, a doctor in his late thirties approached Reid, "Agent, Officer Stanley told me you would be waiting down here. My name is Doctor Alex Miller, you're here about the abandoned child?"

"Yes, I figured that the quicker we get to the bottom of this the quicker we can find the child's parents and proceed from there. How is it, by the way?" As he spoke he realized he didn't know the gender or condition of the child yet.

"_She_," Dr. Miller told him with a slight smile as Reid flushed, "Is thankfully okay. She's a month old, give or take but is rather small so we figured she was born premature, but other than that she seems to be extremely well cared for. No signs of abuse or sickness or neglect. She was bundled up in multiple layers. Whoever left her even had an Mp3 playing lullabies repeatedly to keep her calm. Whoever found her just called out of concern, thankfully it was unnecessary."

Reid allowed himself to relax a little, "Good, th-that's great, that she's okay at least."

"There's more." He stated, "Whoever abandoned her left this," he pulled a thick manila envelope off of his clipboard and handed it to him, "I figure the FBI's jurisdiction over children trumps that over local police. Maybe it'll help you find the low lives who'd abandon their child in the rain." His expression darkened at those words before he turned and walked off.

Frowning a little, he was contemplating heading back to the BAU and getting this processed for prints, when he saw something scrawled in tiny lettering at the corner of the envelope.

His name.

Feeling even more confused, he looked around before sitting down in the waiting room and carefully peeling it open, carefully only using the tips of his fingers. Inside it was packed tightly with documents and medical notes.

The first thing he pulled out was a birth certificate.

It listed where she was born (Los Angeles, California), her measurements, date of birth (one month ago yesterday), hair and eye color, race, parents-

_Impossible_.

Mother: Lila Elizabeth Archer

Father: Spencer Reid, Dr.

Only her name had a signature next to it. Along with these were documents giving up her parental rights, among other things. And a clean white sheet of stationary that had little flowers printed in the corners...

Red anemones.

Spencer felt like he couldn't breathe. This was some kind of twisted joke - it had to be. Morgan or Garcia or someone had just way overdone a prank, but...

Only he and Lila knew what happened between them on that night.

His mind felt travelling at light speed, trying to figure out how this had happened. Lila had told him she couldn't have children. He started counting backwards, the dates. It didn't match up, except...

The baby was premature.

Feeling as though he had all of the air sucked from his lungs, he gripped the letter tightly, a part of him wanting to shred it right then and there, not wanting to know what he had probably known since he heard about the baby. But he had to acknowledge this, so he opened the letter and began to read, much slower than necessary.

Her writing was terribly messy, rougher than he would have expected from Lila. There were tears in the letter and raised bubbles from where it had gotten wet...tears.

What he read shocked him more than anything else in his life.

* * *

><p><em>Dear Spencer,<em>

_Before you get angry at me - which you have every right to - please just give me the chance to explain. First of all, I want you to know how truly sorry I am. I never intended for any of this to happen._

_And I never lied to you, I swear on whatever God may or may not exist up above, that when we were together I was nothing but honest with you. I thought I couldn't have children. I had been pregnant twice before and both of them died, the doctors said sometimes it just happened, they had no explanation for me. Some thought it was my Coeliac, and others thought I was just unlucky._

_When I got pregnant, the moment I heard the news - even before that, I knew. I knew I was carrying your baby and even before it was confirmed I had resigned myself to its fate. I waited at home, for just under a month, I waited to feel the pain and see the blood, waited for it to die. Because I knew it would happen._

_But it didn't._

_I thought about calling you so many times, but I was terrified. I'm not sure why. Of getting your hopes up like I did when my ex when our babies died, or that it would just hurt you. I was also scared for me. I didn't think I could take another miscarriage. The second time nearly destroyed me. And after what happened with Maggie I was living a half life._

_Six months later, I thought I would lose the baby when a pickup truck crashed into my car and crushed it. I had a severe concussion, several broken ribs and internal bruising and organ lacerations. The doctors told me they would have to do an emergency C-section within days or risk both of us dying._

_But we made it. Both of us._

_I know you don't want children. You told me that night at the café that you weren't good with them and you never planned on it._

_I didn't plan on it either, after my boyfriend left._

_Plans change, though. I don't think I can fully explain the depth of what I felt, when I held that little girl in my arms. It was like the world around me shifted, nothing but her mattered to me anymore. I knew this was a sign. She was an accident, but far from a mistake._

_I named her Autumn Diana. After our favorite season and your mother, I had hoped you wouldn't mind._

_I was planning on meeting you face-to-face, on telling you myself. But with your job... it would have been selfish of me to come down all of a sudden and demand your attention and commitment to something you didn't sign on for._

_But that was okay, because I cared deeply for you and I had already made my decision, I was willing to raise our daughter alone, and let her make a choice when she was old enough._

_But something happened. Something I doubt you can ever forgive me for..._

_Autumn is just like you, in a way. Restless and so, so smart. Even at a few weeks old I can tell she's going to be a baby genius. She loves to watch people, and the light in her eyes is so...aware, so abnormal. I can tell she's going to be special._

_Having a baby takes a lot of work, I knew that. I was prepared to handle it. I never realized how much work a smart baby like her would take._

_She never slept. As soon as she was removed from the prenatal ward into my care, I brought her home. I had learned so much about children that I thought I would be completely prepared. But I was so wrong. She went from sleeping twenty hours a day to about three or four hours a day, stretched out into twenty minute catnaps. She would scream constantly when she wasn't asleep. It didn't matter if she was warm, cool, clean, fed, or anything. I learned that she had to be constantly stimulated. _

_Even though she is too young to do much herself, she loves colors and sounds. I read to her every day, several times a day. I played with her, danced with her, tickled her. I would talk to her for every night, hours, and I could swear she was listening. She needed constant distraction, every day, just so she could sleep for a few minutes. _

_But I had to be constantly ready, I couldn't rest for even a moment. I started resenting her, and you, admittedly. I was angry at myself most of all. I wasn't ready to be a mother this time around, and I remember feeling sick to my stomach when feelings of hatred arose. _

_How could I look down at her sweet, innocent face and not love her as much as I had the first time I held her?_

_I should have gotten help. Should have found a babysitter or a doctor, or told my parents about her. Any one that could help me and tell me what to do right. But I didn't, and I made the worst mistake I've ever made. _

_I shook her. I shook Autumn. It was only for a moment. I hadn't slept more than an hour in six days, when she was three weeks old, and something just snapped. I picked her up and I shook her and yelled "Why won't you sleep?!" _

_Her crying stopped, and so did my heart. I rushed her to the hospital immediately. I was ready to call Child Protective Services on myself. No wonder I could never conceive, what kind of a horrible mother did that to her own child? I could have killed her! _

_The doctors said she was fine. There wasn't any bruising or head trauma, it seemed like I just scared her. But how could I look my daughter in the eyes after that? How could I raise her knowing what kind of a temper I was capable of unleashing? I'm dangerous._

_I don't know if it was my former alcoholism, or the fact that I hadn't slept. Or maybe it was just all so new. But in that moment I knew you would be so much better of a parent than I am. You're kind, Spencer. Endlessly compassionate. I know by the way you spoke of Maggie that night. She was ill, you had told me. You could have said she was evil or bad, but you chose to make it not all her fault. _

_I saw my old psychiatrist the day after that incident. And for the next few days, while I contemplated what to do. Autumn was still at the hospital, I wanted the doctors to monitor her and be sure she was okay. _

_I was diagnosed with postpartum depression. The doctors said with treatment I would be better. That it wasn't as serious as post-birth psychosis. That I wasn't unfit. _

_But I'd already made my decision, Spencer. _

_I know you will despise me for this. I never wanted to put you in this position, but I have no choice. I'm going to get help, but until then I need to leave Autumn with someone I can trust. _

_Truthfully, there is no other person I trust more than you, father or not. I need you to be Autumn's guardian because I can't do it. Not now, I'm not ready. _

_But I will be someday, I promise. _

_And when that day comes I hope you and Autumn will welcome me back, even though I don't deserve it. _

_I have no right to ask you for anything, but please just make sure she always knows I love her. I've enclosed a list of her favorite foods and music that I've learned so far. There's a package filled with her clothes and some toys I purchased, along with a check. I know with your job you aren't short on money, but I want to feel like I was doing something good. There should be enough for both a DNA test (a brush with my hair is also in the package), and for anything she should need for the time being. _

_I'm so sorry, Spencer. I hope one day you can forgive me for everything I've done to you and her both. _

_Sincerely, Lila Archer_

* * *

><p>Reid looked over the letter, and re-read it so many times he didn't keep count. He was in shock, that was for sure, but there was something else...sorrow, or something close to it. It wasn't until he blinked his eyes did he realize he had been crying.<p>

There was so much emotion in the letter. He could feel Lila's pain, almost. Her desperation. But what truly surprised him were his own feelings.

He didn't hate her, how could he? She hadn't known - she couldn't have known, that this time would be different from all of the rest. It felt like the world was punishing her enough, he couldn't find it in himself to be angry at her.

Surprised, of course. Maybe even a little hurt that she hadn't told him in person. But he wasn't angry about her having the baby... the only thing he could feel a somewhat irate about was that she left the baby outside. She could have brought her to the police, the FBI, a hospital, a church, anywhere. He would have learned eventually, but what she did was reckless and stupid.

Thinking it through though, he decided she probably wasn't in the right state to be making healthy decisions. But now he wasn't sure what to do.

He couldn't raise a child, there was no way...

Was there?

He had certainly never planned on being a father. He had thought of it, of course. He was sure everyone must have at some point. But he decided the risks outweighed the positives. A child of his always had the risk of becoming like his mother - Schizophrenia was hereditary, it was something he constantly worried about. Plus, the intellect also had some genetic background to it, and while without his brain he probably never would have become an agent for the FBI, he likely would have had a normal childhood.

Normal... maybe.

But he was a father. And that hit him harder than anything. It was too late to make a choice, because the choice had been made for him. He was a father, whether he liked it or wanted it, he was now responsible for another life - outside of his work.

Responsibility was out of a question, because he had to make the decisions now.

But he wasn't sure he could.

* * *

><p>Reid wasn't sure how long he sat there in the waiting room, feeling unusually emotional - vulnerable - and confused. He didn't know how to proceed. Did he...go see the baby?<p>

No. Not the baby, not anymore. She had a name.

Autumn.

It was a beautiful name. And just like Lila, it was his favorite season. It had new beginnings, Halloween, his birthday, and so much more.

But he felt lost, he couldn't do this alone. At least not now. Not when he was just finding out. It still hadn't fully sunk in yet.

...He needed help.

Taking a deep breath and forcing his mind to stop whirling around long enough to think straight, Spencer pulled out his cellphone and dialed the second number he had saved, silently praying they would answer.

After several rings, a tired voice responded, "Spence? Is everything alright?"

* * *

><p><strong>Phew. This seemed to take forever. Actually, I was struggling all day trying to figure out how to write it. So if it seems rushed, that would be why. I'm not sure if it's very good, but hopefully it will do... <strong>

**The next chapter will be better (hopefully), I promise.**


	5. Connection

**Autumn's Journey**

This is my very first attempt at writing a Criminal Minds story in years, I deleted my old ones, as they were riddled with spelling and grammatical errors, plot holes, etc. I'm not sure how this will turn out, although I know how I would like it to. I'm hoping it will work out, in the end. This is a post-Season One story. Although, given the content, it will be AU, I am hoping to follow the show's actual episodes as close to canon as possible while still including my own thoughts and ideas. Pairings are canon.

I own nothing, except for my OC, Autumn.

A/N: This story is partly based on the lives of several mentally ill children, mental health blogs, etc. I understand mental illness is a very serious problem, and this story doesn't at all intend to dramatize it or make it seem humorous. I simply want to write this story for myself.

Thank you.

* * *

><p><em>"The law of love could be best understood and learned through little children." - Mahatma Gandhi <em>

* * *

><p>Reid was still anxiously pacing around the hospital waiting room when a familiar voice called out to him, "Spence!" He turned and felt relief hit him like an ocean wave against a rocky cliff when he saw J.J. walking towards him, her blue eyes wide with concern and confusion.<p>

"I got here as fast as I could, Spence." She told him as soon as she paused before her colleague, "You were so panicked on the phone that I decided to ask you when I got here. Is it true, about the baby, or was I just hearing things?" she asked, looking worried about him.

"It's true." He sighed, running a hand lightly through his chestnut-colored hair. Jennifer Jareau was honestly the only person he could consider calling with something like this. If he had asked anyone else it wouldn't have been good... Elle was dealing with her own problems right now, and Gideon would be so disappointed when he found out. He wasn't yet close enough to Hotch to ask him for a favor like this, plus he had a family at home waiting for him, and Morgan would just tease him relentless about his and Lila's affair.

He looked down at the petite blonde woman, "I just... you were the only person I could call. I don't know what to do, I don't think I can do this, J.J. I never thought I would have to do something like this."

"Spence, hey - it's alright. Easy, deep breaths, okay?" She said in a soft tone, "It's okay to be scared, this is a huge thing to have dropped on you all of a sudden. First thing's first, where is the baby?"

"In... in the children's unit, I guess?" He felt bad because he'd messed up already, he called J.J. to help him and hadn't even seen the child for himself yet. "I haven't seen her, yet."

She smiled at him, "Well, introducing yourself to your daughter would be a good start." She said, her tone light and humorous, and he managed a small smile.

_"My daughter."_

The thought still left him reeling.

* * *

><p>The young FBI genius felt completely out of his comfort zone as he walked awkwardly behind J.J., who was being led by a nurse named Cynthia to the Pediatric Care Unit. They'd cleared everything up with the police officers, but it was very uncomfortable. Not only were they considering having the LAPD search for Lila because of her child endangerment, but he had to simply nod when the assistant chief leaned in close and told him to find a 'saner broad' next time.<p>

Once they arrived at the room, the nurse told them to just call when they were ready to check the baby out.

Reid took in a long, deep breath, "I don't know if I can do this."

"There's no rush, Spence. Being a parent isn't something that happens overnight, that much I'm sure of. And I promise to help you no matter what, so don't worry." J.J. reached forward and squeezed his hand reassuringly. "It's okay to be nervous." arrived at the room, the nurse told them to just call when they were ready to check the baby out.

"I'll go with you, okay?"

He slowly nodded, "Alright... thank you, J.J."

Her smile was as warm and bright as ever as she led him into the room. Slowly, he approached the hospital-issued bassinet.

"Can I hold her?" J.J. asked, and it took a few moments of silence for him to realize that she was asking for _his_ permission.

As soon as he figured out just what she was asking for, he quickly nodded, "H-hold...uh, um yeah, o-of course you may."

Spencer watched, somewhat amazed, as the blonde woman reached down and gently picked up the child, one arm curled underneath her small body, the other carefully supporting her head. "She's gorgeous, isn't she, Spence?" smiling earnestly, she turned so the one-month old was partially sitting up in her arms, directly facing him.

He stared at her, at a loss for words.

It was strange, what happened then. He knew it was completely impossible, that her mind wasn't possibly developed enough to understand her surroundings completely, or to focus on anything more than a few inches from her face, but if he didn't know better, he'd swear she somehow knew who he was.

Her eyes were huge, framed by very full eyelashes. They were a dark shade of brown, not quite hazel, but rather like...amber. He could see she had flecks of grayish green around the outer irises, and undertones of gold circling her pupils. They were beautiful, and very similar to his own...but not quite the same. What took him by surprise was the fact that she had red hair. Not an auburn, or a red-brown or even a gingery red-orange. No, her hair was deep, dark, and shiny, a fire red that matched her name - like fall leaves shift into a bright, brilliant, passionate shade of red. As far as he knew, no one on his side of the family had red hair or even the gene to carry it, but on Lila's side it was very much possible.

She was pale, her skin like porcelain, and her complexion flawless - no sign of freckles or any sort of skin marking. She was considerably smaller than most infants her age, likely because she had been born so early, but outwardly she seemed healthy, and happy. She paid no mind to the woman holding her in her arms, her far-too-intelligent gaze resting on Spencer alone.

He wasn't sure how long they simply stood there, staring at each other, but after a while J.J.'s soft tone rang out through the room, "Do you want to hold her?"

Almost immediately, Reid tensed, "I-I don't know, I mean I've never really held a baby before...not that young. I know how to, I've just never tried-"

"Aaahh!" He nearly jumped when the baby let out a thin wail of distress, and started wriggling around, her gaze still fixed on her father.

"I think she also wants you to hold her."

Hesitating for only a moment, Spencer reached his arms out, his heart skipping a couple of beats when J.J. placed her in his arms.

Miraculously, the moment she was pressed up against his chest, face resting in the crook of his elbow, Autumn Diana stopped crying, and her body relaxed, while she made little noises of contentment. "Aww, she likes you." She smiled, "Looks like you're a natural."

"Not really, one time when I was at a doctor's appointment I read thirty-six different novels and an assortment of magazines on infant health care and month-by-month development while I was waiting." he explained without looking up, watching as the baby became sleepy, his expression a mixture of fascination and...happiness?

The blonde watched them for a moment, "Are you going to tell the team?" she asked, and he looked up with confusion, "Tell them what?"

Shaking her head at how oblivious the genius could be, she nodded her head towards Autumn, "They'll have to find out eventually. I'm sure they'd help if you-"

"I'm not incompetent, I can take care of her without the team babying me as well." She held her hands up in surrender, "I wasn't insinuating you couldn't, Spence. But taking care of a baby's a lot of work, and with your job you're going to need some help." she pointed out, "I doubt your apartment is ready for long-term babysitting."

At that, a frown crossed the profiler's face, "I...I don't know where to begin." he admitted.

J.J. smiled, "Luckily for you, I do."

* * *

><p><strong>Short chapter, I know, but I have a good reason! My computer's acting wanky and my mom is going to get me a new one when she can, but until then I have to work between a computer that won't let me open any tabs for some reason, and one with broken number keys and a messed up enter button. <strong>

**Still, I'm doing my best to work with this, so I hope the chapter's okay.**


	6. Not Alone

**Autumn's Journey**

This is my very first attempt at writing a Criminal Minds story in years, I deleted my old ones, as they were riddled with spelling and grammatical errors, plot holes, etc. I'm not sure how this will turn out, although I know how I would like it to. I'm hoping it will work out, in the end. This is a post-Season One story. Although, given the content, it will be AU, I am hoping to follow the show's actual episodes as close to canon as possible while still including my own thoughts and ideas. Pairings are canon.

I own nothing, except for my OC, Autumn.

A/N: This story is partly based on the lives of several mentally ill children, mental health blogs, etc. I understand mental illness is a very serious problem, and this story doesn't at all intend to dramatize it or make it seem humorous. I simply want to write this story for myself.

Thank you.

* * *

><p><em>"Asking for help does not mean that we are weak or incompetent. It usually indicates an advanced level of honesty and intelligence." - Anne Wilson Schaef<em>

* * *

><p>As Aaron Hotchner lay in bed that night next to his wife, Haley, he contemplated the phone call he had recieved from his youngest agent not an hour before.<p>

He was certainly taken by surprise by what Reid had to say. Normally he wouldn't be so inquisitive when it came to someone on his team asking for a bit of time off - Lord knows they deserved it - but because it was Reid, the fresh-out-of-academy agent hwo never requested so much as an extra day off, he had been a bit curious.

He surely wasn't expecting the younger man's answer when he questioned his reason for wanting the week off. While he had listened carefully, stoic even when in a phone conversation, he had been quite shocked by the news. Reid had a child...a daughter, a daughter he had with the almost-victim of the stalker case several months back. He'd been a bit concerned about Lila Archer's infatuation with his youngest agent, it had transference written all over it. He hadn't been aware of the...relationship between them before leaving Los Angeles.

Agreeing to let the genius off for the next while, he acted a bit uncharacteristically by informing Spencer that if he ever needed help with anything, to just ask.

Being a father was hard enough. But being a single father to a child whom you had unknowingly produced had to be so much more difficult.

* * *

><p>Penelope Garcia had reacted the most predictably to the news, squealing out something along the lines of getting to spoil little Autumn Diana, saying that she was, quite literally, "the baby of their family".<p>

Her excitement was touching, if not somewhat unsettling as well.

Within the hour she had burst into Reid's apartment, demanding to see the child, and making no attempt to hide how unprepared she thought Reid was. The man didn't even have a crib, let alone a room prepared! But she wasn't worried, between her and J.J., they would make Spencer's living space child-friendly in no time.

* * *

><p>Reid had opted not to tell Morgan, Elle or Gideon about Autumn just yet. Not that he wasn't close to them all, because he was, or because he didn't trust them with his life, which he did, but because he wasn't quite sure how to tell them.<p>

For one, Morgan he knew at least would give him hell over what went down between him and Lila, Elle would probably be right behind him... and Jason Gideon, while an almost surrogate father figure to the young genius, was one person he didn't think he could handle telling himself.

He had knowingly and willingly had a "relationship" with the woman who their unsub Maggie Lowe had stalked for years, and killed a handful of people for.

Spencer just wasn't sure he could handle disappointing him.

"We've got a lot of work ahead of us." J.J. stated, hands on her hips as she surveyed Reid's "spare room". It had stacks of books that he had no room for on his shelf, some old unused furniture - including a broken lamp for some reason - and what looked to be a few boxes of his mother's things that hadn't been mailed to her.

"Looks like we're going to need to go shopping this weekend."

* * *

><p>It was late that night when Reid awoke to a high-pitch crying sound. He was momentarily confused, before realizing it was Autumn.<p>

J.J. had brought over her cousin's baby's old crib for her to use until they could go out any purchase the necessary supplies for her. So he got up and went to get her, trying to calm her down so she could get back to sleep. But she was restless, she kept crying inconsolably. He checked to see if she needed to be changed - no, she didn't. He tried feeding her, but she didn't seem to be hungry.

Maybe she just wanted attention? To be played with?

He sat down on his bed and tried rocking her gently, bouncing her, and other things that usually settled down babies when they were upset.

But it didn't work.

He kept trying - there had to be something he hadn't thought of.

* * *

><p>It had taken two hours to get Autumn back to sleep. She just kept screaming and crying constantly. He thought she was finally down for the night, but roughly fifteen minutes later she woke up and it began again. He didn't understand at all - and that was unnerving. He kept repeating the cycle, but everything seemed to be fine with her.<p>

She just _wouldn't_ sleep.

Had this been what Lila meant in her letter by not sleeping for more than twenty minutes? He had thought she was just exaggerating. But if this had been going on for days - or even weeks, it's no wonder Lila became hysterical; humans could only survive without sleep for so long before it effected them negatively.

It crossed his mind to consult a pediatrician. If it was colic or something else disturbing her, perhaps a doctor's visit would do some good.

By the time morning came around she had slept maybe three and a half hours total that night, and he even less than that because she kept waking up just as soon as he put her down. It was exhausting, but he was sure he could adjust. She was a baby, after all, she couldn't control the instincts she was born with.

Around six o'clock she woke up shrieking wordless, sobbing cries again.

"Autumn!" He quickly went back to his bedroom and picked her up from her cradle. She stared at him, her huge amber eyes red and filled with tears. He saw confusion and despair on her little face. She didn't understand what was going on, but something was upsetting her. It couldn't be hunger, because he had fed her just an hour before when she had woken him up for the day.

At this point he was debating calling J.J. and asking (or begging) for her to tell him what to do. Sure, she wasn't a parent, but she had a natural mothering instinct about her.

He sent her a text while rocking the little girl in his lap, and it wasn't long before the blonde responded, saying she would be there shortly. Relieved, Reid pocketed his phone and unlocked the door to his apartment, figuring he would wait outside with Autumn and grab the newspaper.

Something incredible happened when he stepped outside, however:

Autumn stopped crying.

Bewildered, he turned her around to face him. The sad look was gone, and her expression was amazed, face brightened with wonder.

Curious, Reid stepped back inside and blocked her view of the door.

Instantaneously, her eyes welled up with tears and she let out a sharp cry of protest, her nose scrunching up unhappily. He quickly went back out, and she fell silent mid-scream, before letting out a peel of delighted laughter, her eyes taking in anything and everything around her.

That's when it clicked - she wasn't upset because she was hungry, or dirty or lonely. She had been crying because she was bored! She needed stimulation! Of course she did, it made sense. His mother had told him he'd been incredibly fussy as an infant, and so she had to read to him all of the time to keep him calm.

Maybe this was similar?

An unintentional smile slipped across the young genius's face.

He could _definitely_ do this.

* * *

><p><strong>So, I'm thinking that my next chapter should be a longer one covering the first week of Reid and Autumn together, and then the following couple of months, what do you think? I won't do that all of the time, but there's only so much I can write about a newborn.<strong>


	7. One Step At A Time

**Autumn's Journey**

This is my very first attempt at writing a Criminal Minds story in years, I deleted my old ones, as they were riddled with spelling and grammatical errors, plot holes, etc. I'm not sure how this will turn out, although I know how I would like it to. I'm hoping it will work out, in the end. This is a post-Season One story. Although, given the content, it will be AU, I am hoping to follow the show's actual episodes as close to canon as possible while still including my own thoughts and ideas. Pairings are canon.

I own nothing, except for my OC, Autumn.

A/N: This story is partly based on the lives of several mentally ill children, mental health blogs, etc. I understand mental illness is a very serious problem, and this story doesn't at all intend to dramatize it or make it seem humorous. I simply want to write this story for myself.

Thank you.

* * *

><p><em>The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step. – Lao Tzu<em>

* * *

><p>Reid had been right after his revelation a couple of days ago, when he realized what Autumn had needed the whole time.<p>

Interaction.

Anything to keep her entertained for awhile. When he shared his theory with Garcia and J.J., they were both quick to agree, and came up with all sorts of different ideas of how to keep the child occupied. The girls had both been so supportive, at one point they volunteered to take a "shift" and play with her while he took a short - and much needed - nap.

Over the last two days, they learned that the more stimulation Autumn got, the happier she was. When they took her to the mall yesterday, and she saw the crowds, she went quiet, watching them happily, and eventually fell asleep. Unlike with most other babies, it seemed to be impossible to over-stimulate her.

She was not afraid of large crowds. If anything, she appeared to thrive on them. After spending an entire day going to the zoo, various parks and playgrounds, and even an Ikea so they could pick out furniture, she fell asleep almost immediately after being brought back to the apartment, and she only woke up once that night, needing her diaper changed. After that she slept right until breakfast.

* * *

><p>"Well?" Garcia had a giant grin on her face, "I think the three of us did an amazing job!"<p>

Autumn's nursery room was complete.

"Go get her, Spence, let's see what she thinks." J.J. said brightly. While Reid didn't think Autumn was particularly old enough to have an opinion on her new room, the two women had been so incredibly helpful that he decided to humor them.

He got the child from his bedroom and brought her into what was formerly his spare room.

The nursery was absolutely beautiful. They had originally been unsure of what colors to use, but ended up choosing a pale baby blue. While it was normally associated with male babies, blue had a natural soothing effect that helped clear the mind and aid in concentration. He wasn't sure how much stock he put into this, but anything that could possibly keep Autumn calm and happy was good with him. A cute brown trimming had been used for the ceiling and floor because it went well, and provided a natural serenity that hadn't been present before. In the middle of the room lay a light green and blue swirled quilt-like rug, across the room from the door was a brand new white crib with a cute brown teddy bear pattern on it, and a powder pink draping surrounding it.

Hanging over the crib was a baby mobile of a stereotypical black witch's hat and some gold ribbons, it was "Wicked" style after the Broadway musical, and had been a specialty at a baby store in honor of Halloween rapidly approaching. On the ceiling were all kinds of glow-in-the-dark stickers that represented the galaxy - stars, comets, crescent moons, Saturn, the northern star, other planetary stickers and even various constellations.

One of the best parts was the new light Garcia had insisted on installing (well, Reid technically put it in since she wasn't tall enough). It was shaped like a diamond with a stained-glass covering, sort of like what you see in churches, which caused rainbows to be thrown across the room when the sunlight hit from the single window on the far right wall, which were framed by eggshell white curtains, with little pink ribbons tied around the ends.

Just below the window was a pretty pink and white dresser, with a top that doubled as a changing table and held baby clothes as well as extra diapers, spare formula bottles, pacifiers (even though Reid had protested he didn't want Autumn to have any), and other similar things. In the upper left corner was a pale blue plush couch which had several stuffed toys on it - including a giraffe, a big fuzzy brown teddy bear, and the most bizarre thing J.J. had bought (insisting it was "cute"), a pale pink silk-satiny blankie with white hearts on it, that had a toy rabbit head and arms to 'cuddle' with. The tag had appropriately labelled it "Bonnie Bunny, the Baby Blanket Buddy".

The final touches was a bookshelf against the lower left corner of the room which had baby products, some children's books (and some of Reid's), and a few games and coloring books for when she got older. But what really seemed to tie the whole room together was a gorgeous hand-crafted rocking chair made of stained wood, which they had purchased in a hobby shop, the owner's grandfather had apparently made it himself for his daughter years ago. It was still in perfect condition.

As soon as he walked into the room, Autumn looked around with wide eyes, enthralled by all of the colors in such a small space.

"I think the Munchkin likes it!" The tech analyst proclaimed happily, and the baby squealed as though she agreed, making the rest of them laugh at how happy she seemed.

* * *

><p>Spencer thought that there might be a problem about what he would do with Autumn when it came time to go back to work. Garcia had, of course, volunteered her services, but a BAU office was no place for a baby - she hated small dark spaces anyways. He really, really didn't want to bring her to a nursery, because they tended to slow down the mental development of young children, and others didn't know how to take care of her like he had slowly been learning how to.<p>

However, Hotch had approached him the day before he was set to return and gave him a somewhat shocking proposal: his wife Haley wanted to look after her while he was on out-of-town cases. He had been both stunned and confused.

But Haley came and talked to him herself. She loved children, and she already had a son, Jack, who was roughly seven months older than Autumn. She went to parks and playgrounds - including the mall area and even the local zoo all of the time when Hotch was working, and it would be nice for Autumn to make a friend with someone she could interact with on a regular basis.

He'd thought about it, and agreed. He very nearly hugged the woman - he knew she liked him, Hotch had said so himself, but he never expected her to do something like this for him.

It was incredibly touching.

* * *

><p><strong>So... I've decided that either in the next chapter, or the one after that, I will do the timeskip. It won't just go from one month to the next year, but I'll but breaks in between describing what happens in that time. Or I might decide not to, I haven't quite made up my mind yet.<strong>


	8. Milestones

**Autumn's Journey**

This is my very first attempt at writing a Criminal Minds story in years, I deleted my old ones, as they were riddled with spelling and grammatical errors, plot holes, etc. I'm not sure how this will turn out, although I know how I would like it to. I'm hoping it will work out, in the end. This is a post-Season One story. Although, given the content, it will be AU, I am hoping to follow the show's actual episodes as close to canon as possible while still including my own thoughts and ideas. Pairings are canon.

I own nothing, except for my OC, Autumn.

A/N: This story is partly based on the lives of several mentally ill children, mental health blogs, etc. I understand mental illness is a very serious problem, and this story doesn't at all intend to dramatize it or make it seem humorous. I simply want to write this story for myself.

Thank you.

* * *

><p><em>"The voice of the intellect is a soft one, but it does not rest until it has gained a hearing." - Sigmund Freud<em>

* * *

><p>Reid had always known that, statistically speaking, there was a very high chance any children he produced could end up being child prodigies. His mother had an above-average IQ, and so did he - that was what the tests said. Whether or not they were accurate was another argument, but the general conclusion was that he and his mother were both geniuses.<p>

So, it shouldn't have taken him by surprise that Autumn would also be quite intelligent, right?

But it did.

It was a cold, late January afternoon, and he had just taken his daughter up from her nap (more like she had cried until he came and picked her up). She was hungry, and when he tried feeding her, she turned her head away, almost as if in disgust. He knew she wasn't fond of the protein-packed vegetable baby soup that looked like it had already been regurgitated by a mother bird, but it was very healthy and she needed vegetables, they had essential nutrients in them.

He tried putting the spoon to her mouth again and once more she turned her face away with a pout. He sighed, running a hand through his hair, "Autumn, you have to eat. It's good for you." He muttered, more to himself than anything.

That's when it happened. He heard the sharp protest leave her mouth:

_"Daddy, no!"_

That's what made him freeze in his spot, dropping the spoon back into the bowl, staring at her, dumbly. "...What did you just say?" he asked out loud, wondering if he had just imagined it.

_"No! Yucky!"_

He definitely didn't imagine it.

Had she been older he wouldn't have even blinked at the words. But Autumn was only four months old. And this was the first time she had spoken. She had never uttered so much as a single actual word before - only ever screams, cries, or giggles. Most children begin to say half-words and garbled nonsense. But she never had.

And she still hadn't. There had been nothing incoherent about her words. She said it completely perfect, her voice extremely clear. Her words sounded off because her first teeth were only just starting to emerge from her gums - she had woken up crying more frequently lately because of the pain it caused.

His mind was reeling, he knew that early engagement with babies helped them develop quicker, so she would have started to learn words from those around her, not to mention that he always read to her before bed, simply because she got lonely without any sound before she slept, but this was...shocking, to say the least.

After the initial feelings of disbelief and surprise wore off, Reid felt a different feeling settle in the middle of his chest. It was warm, pleasant, and it took him a while to realize why he was smiling so much...

Pride.

* * *

><p>This was bizarre, to say the least.<p>

Reid already wasn't used to being around his boss in a non-work setting, but now here he was in Hotch's home, sitting with his wife and talking to her while Jack played on the floor with Autumn. By now he was a year and four months old, and Autumn was going on six months.

"No!" He heard her whine in protest. Jack seemed confused at the outburst. He and his friend were in the middle of building a really cool tower out of plastic blocks, and he wanted to build a pond near by it, but she didn't seem to like him using green blocks for it.

Frustrated by his lack of understanding, the small redhead suddenly reached forward and grabbed onto the older child's shoulders, using him to lift herself and then - she was standing.

Haley paused mid-sentence to gawk at the five-month-old baby as she used her son for support, until her legs stopped quivering, and then slowly began taking steps. One, then two, then three, and-

"Dr. Reid!" she blurted, trying to get Spencer's attention, he seemed confused, before finally turning his head and catching a glimpse of his daughter just in time to see her unsteady steps falter as she suddenly fell.

There was dead silence. Then she began to wail.

The two were quick to make sure she was okay, and calm her down, after. Autumn didn't try to walk again that day, but it was still amazing she'd been able to lift herself up at all this early.

Most babies were much older before they started to walk. Jack had been just under one year old when he took his first steps - she had video-taped it and sent a copy to her husband, as he was away at the time.

She was pretty sure Reid was somewhat in denial. He kept going on about how some babies can be more developed than others without necessarily being a genius.

Truthfully, she thought he might be afraid, of either dealing with a miniature version of himself, or of what the girl might go through in school, because all kids were labeled at some point, be it "princess", "queer", "emo", or even "geek".

But she wasn't as worried, because she knew that Autumn and Jack would at least have each other, even if they wouldn't be in the same grade. She was worried about Dr. Reid, however.

It was hard enough raising a child when his other parent was away more often than not, but raising a possible child genius completely alone?

Well, she wasn't going to let that happen.

* * *

><p><em>February 5th, 2006<em>

It was horrible. Haley had received the news through a phone call with her husband. Dr. Reid had been abducted by the suspect that they had been investigating. They had no idea where he was, or how to begin searching for him and his kidnapper.

Haley always tried not to think about these sorts of things - it was horribly depressing and worrisome. But after what happened with Agent Gideon in Boston, she couldn't help but stress over her husband and yes, even his team. While at one point she deeply resented his devotion to them and his job, she came to realize that they were sort of members of his extended family.

She knew that they all had a part. Gideon was the wise mentor, a grandfather-like figure - or a father even, to Reid at least. J.J. was the mother, even without trying. Though she had no child of her own to speak of, she was like a mom and a big sister all rolled into one. Elle had been like a sister too, and now Agent Prentiss was slowly beginning to fill in that roll. The tech girl - Penelope - she was the fun, weird aunt that everybody loved to be around no matter how crazy she could be. Spencer was the intelligent, nerdy little brother that people liked to both protect and tease - especially Morgan, the protective, somewhat hostile older brother that would not hesitate to pulverize anyone who threatened his "family" members.

That left only her husband.

As much as she got on his back for not being there for Jack at times, he was a good father. A loving one. And she knew he would protect her and Jack to his last breath if that's what it took, and he would do the same for his team as well.

But now that Reid was missing that family would be thrown out of balance.

She prayed to God that Autumn was still asleep. Even at five months old, that little girl was intuitive, she seemed to know if the people around her were upset, and it in turn caused her to be upset too. Then she would call out "Daddy?" with that questioning look, wanting her father.

And Haley wouldn't know what to do.

She hoped they found Spencer soon. Not only because he had a child depending on him (she knew she and Aaron wouldn't hesitate to take her in if something happened, she could never go to foster care, not after all her husband had told her about what kids went through in those places), but because she didn't think any of that team, that family, could take it if he died.

* * *

><p><strong>Yes, the kidnapping with Tobias Hankel is canon in this story. And Reid's addiction will definitely play a role later in the story. This is my last update for tonight, it's midnight and I have to go back to school tomorrow.<strong>

**Peace out!**


	9. Home Is Where The Heart Is

**Autumn's Journey**

This is my very first attempt at writing a Criminal Minds story in years, I deleted my old ones, as they were riddled with spelling and grammatical errors, plot holes, etc. I'm not sure how this will turn out, although I know how I would like it to. I'm hoping it will work out, in the end. This is a post-Season One story. Although, given the content, it will be AU, I am hoping to follow the show's actual episodes as close to canon as possible while still including my own thoughts and ideas. Pairings are canon.

I own nothing, except for my OC, Autumn.

A/N: This story is partly based on the lives of several mentally ill children, mental health blogs, etc. I understand mental illness is a very serious problem, and this story doesn't at all intend to dramatize it or make it seem humorous. I simply want to write this story for myself.

Thank you.

* * *

><p><em>"Home wasn't a set house, or a single town on a map. It was wherever the people who loved you were, whenever you were together. Not a place, but a moment, and then another, building on each other like bricks to create a solid shelter that you take with you for your entire life, wherever you may go." - Sarah Dessen<em>

* * *

><p><em>"Only one bullet in that gun, Boy."<em>

A single gunshot echoed throughout the cemetery, like thunder, knocking Charles off of his feet and alerting his team to his presence a short distance away.

_"You killed him." _A much softer voice spoke.

"Tobias." Reid whispered, his expression sad, relieved, and so many other things. His team wouldn't get here in time to save him, he could see the light fading in the man's eyes by the second.

"Do you think I'll get to see my mom again?" But the agent didn't have an answer for him, so he simply whispered an apology, and watched as Tobias Hankel died before him.

Everything after that is blurry, even in his perfect memory.

He heard the team talking to him, saw their relieved faces, but can't recall any specific details, not really. He knows that he hugged Hotch, so happy that he understood - he'd never want his boss to die, he was a good man and an even better friend. And he remembered convincing J.J. that what happened to him wasn't her fault, because she really needs to know.

...He remembered taking the two small vials of Dilaudid from Tobias's corpse, and even as he did so, he knew it was wrong. But it didn't stop him.

Now he was going to the hospital, and he found himself feeling extremely sleepy. It was probably because of all he'd been through in the last couple of days. He knew it would be nice to get some non-drug-induced rest, but he can't sleep yet. He needed to know something before they took to get his injuries treated. "H-Hotch," he called out in a somewhat weak tone, groggy and somewhat dehydrated, "Is...is Autumn okay?"

He was too out of it to think his words through, and didn't notice the looks of confusion on his other teammates faces, or the one of surprise on his superior's. "Yes, she's okay, Spencer. She's with Haley, and Jack."

Relieved, the young man finally allowed himself to relax and drift off in the ambulance.

* * *

><p>Spencer Reid disliked hospitals.<p>

No, wait. That was an understatement.

He really, _really_ disliked them.

They were always too bright, too white, too cold, and too unfeeling. Thankfully he hadn't had to experience being in them a lot, given his job that made him lucky. He was sure he would get to go home within the next day or so. At the moment he was being treated for slight malnutrition and dehydration, a broken toe/badly bruised foot, and a medium level concussion.

It wasn't that he was particularly anxious to get back to his apartment... he just really wanted to see Autumn. J.J. had given him back his cell phone, and told him to call Haley and see if she was still awake.

Knowing Autumn, if she hadn't spent the day active then she wouldn't be, not without burning off all of that excess energy that kept her awake.

He knew it was against hospital regulation, but he didn't care too much at the moment, so he called Hotch's house.

Sometimes it still shocked him that he had a daughter. He'd never desired children, especially after what he witnessed growing up with his mother. He remembered specifically, when he was twelve years old, her chasing him out of the house with a kitchen knife because she was having an episode in which he was apparently an intruder that had replaced her son.

That memory stuck out in a wide sea of confusion, sadness and fear in his childhood because of what she had said once she'd recovered, _"You don't ever want to have children Spencer. Babies are a blessing, but they might end up like me if you're not careful."_

He'd pretty much made his decision on his future offspring that day. It was enough of a worry that he could get it someday.

But Autumn... he wouldn't trade her for anything. Six months ago she hadn't existed, had just been a passing thought of 'what ifs' in his mind, quickly dismissed once he distracted himself with another classical piece of literature.

Reid was snapped out of his musings when he heard a warm but tired voice answer, _"Hello?"_ She must not have checked her caller ID, if she didn't realize it was him.

"Haley, hey." He greeted, awkwardly.

_"Spencer."_ She sounded relieved,_ "You're back, that's wonderful. We were all really worried, especially Aaron and Gideon. Are you okay?"_ she asked immediately.

"I'm fine-" He paused, when he realized something, a small smile tugged at his lips, "You called me Spencer." Before that she had only exclusively referred to him as 'Reid' or, most often, 'Doctor Reid'.

He could practically hear Hotch's wife grinning, _"And you called me Haley."_ She pointed out.

True. He had mostly addressed her as 'Mrs. Hotchner'. But now, it felt like they had reached a point where he could almost think of her as...a friend. It was strange, but not unwelcome.

"Touché." He murmured into the receiver, "How's Autumn? Is she alright?"

_"Why don't you ask her yourself?"_ she offered.

Just then he heard a familiar, cheerful cry that made him almost wince at the sheer volume of it, _"Daddy!"_

A bright smile appeared on his face, "Hey, baby." This just kept getting stranger. He had never called her that, but he felt like an endearing nickname for her after his long (in his opinion) absence her from her life. "How are you? Did you have a good time with Jack and Mrs. Hotch?" that was her nickname for Haley, and she found it adorable so it had stuck even after she learned how to pronounce the last three letters.

_"Yeah! We play aaaaall day!"_ She sounded happy, before her tone changed, becoming softer, "_Miss you."_

"I'm coming home soon Autumn, I promise." He assured her, "And when we get back we'll do something fun, alright?"

_"Reading?"_ she asked, hopefully, and he couldn't help but chuckle, "Yes, like reading."

His daughter was so sweet. And so vocally advanced for her age, not to mention physically. She could already talk in near full sentences, though she preferred one-word answers, he could tell she had missed him by how much she was talking at the moment.

_"Daddy?"_

He blinked, surprised by the sudden seriousness of her tone. Well... as serious as a baby could sound. "Yes, Autumn?"

_"...Love you."_

He froze. Normally it wouldn't be such a big deal for a parent to hear those words from his child. But this was the first time he had ever heard her say them. "I...I love you too, baby." It was then that he realized it was his first time saying those words out loud to her. And he knew they were true. The tears in his eyes were not because of how relieved he was to be going home.

They were because of how relieved he was to be going back to _her_.

She was his whole world.

He was so caught up in these emotions, and so lost in thought as he said his goodbyes to Autumn, that he didn't notice Prentiss, Morgan and Gideon were in the doorway until after he'd hung up.

He was _not_ looking forward to giving an explanation.

* * *

><p><strong>What do you think so far? How do you think the three will react to Spencer telling them everything? How do you think they'll feel about him having a child? Let me know! Bye!<strong>


	10. Family & New Friends

**Autumn's Journey**

This is my very first attempt at writing a Criminal Minds story in years, I deleted my old ones, as they were riddled with spelling and grammatical errors, plot holes, etc. I'm not sure how this will turn out, although I know how I would like it to. I'm hoping it will work out, in the end. This is a post-Season One story. Although, given the content, it will be AU, I am hoping to follow the show's actual episodes as close to canon as possible while still including my own thoughts and ideas. Pairings are canon.

I own nothing, except for my OC, Autumn.

A/N: This story is partly based on the lives of several mentally ill children, mental health blogs, etc. I understand mental illness is a very serious problem, and this story doesn't at all intend to dramatize it or make it seem humorous. I simply want to write this story for myself.

Thank you.

* * *

><p><em>"Schizoid behavior is a pretty common thing in children. It's accepted, because all we adults have this unspoken agreement that children are lunatics." ― Stephen King<em>

* * *

><p>"Why didn't you tell us?" Morgan, of course, was the first one to demand an answer.<p>

"I was going to tell you eventually." Reid began, unable to look his friend in the eye for a long moment, "Because I was having a hard time believing it myself. It was a shock... I-I never wanted children, and certainly never thought I would end up as a single parent. But it was difficult to process, Derek. I didn't want to feel like I needed to go to the team for help with everything."

The older FBI agent still didn't seem to pleased that his best friend didn't tell him from the start, but he was starting to understand, "So... you and Lila-"

"Morgan!" He spluttered and looked away, turning red in the face. "Look, I know you all have to be pretty mad about this, but I didn't exactly want to advertise I was a father. After everything that happened with Randall Garner, it's obvious none of us really considered just how dangerous this job can be. Of course I want her to meet you... the BAU has been like family to me, but I want her to be safe as well."

He chanced a glance over at the three of them, Gideon's face was unreadable, Emily looked unsure and Derek...he was smiling this time, "So, when do we get to meet her?"

* * *

><p>The day after returning home from the New York case, Reid picked his daughter up from Haley's, and promptly took her out for the next several hours. From 10:00 AM until 9:30 PM she was so full of energy he had to string five or six activities together in order to ensure they'd both get some sleep tonight.<p>

After they got back to the apartment, he had intended to get Autumn ready for bed, put her to sleep, then go and get so much needed rest of his own.

He was exhausted, though. Between the constant flashbacks of Tobias Hankel and his other personalities, the withdrawal he was starting to feel (he had managed to hold back from using, he didn't want to go down that road but it was becoming increasingly difficult), and how much he unintentionally empathized with those girls, the case had taken a lot out of him, and she had taken whatever energy he had left.

After bathing her and helping her change into her pajamas _("No, Daddy! The butterfly PJs are for tomorrow! Today I gotta wear the rainbow ones!"_), he was brushing out her hair in her room, having learned from Garcia how to fix the part in it 'right', when she said something interesting to him.

"Daddy, are you sad?"

That both surprised and confused him. Did he seem sad? Also, he knew she was gifted, but for her to identify emotions like that so quickly still took him off guard. Instead of answering, he returned her question with a question, "Why do you ask?"

Autumn turned and looked up at him from where she was seated on the bathroom vanity, her honey brown eyes far too intelligent for her age, "Because Miss Hotch was talking about how special it is for people who loved each other lots to spend time together."

He was silent, contemplating that. Was he lonely? He certainly had been at times, but ever since his daughter came into his life, he found it difficult to feel that way. With her around, he was never alone.

A romantic relationship was certainly very low on his list of priorities at this point.

"Don't be sad, Daddy." Autumn said, tugging on his shirt to get his attention. She assumed his lack of answer meant he was, indeed, sad. "You'll never have to be all alone, kay?" she gave him a big, childish smile and giggled. "When I grow up I'll be your wife!"

_"Paging Dr. Freud..."_ Reid thought to himself, amused, as he tucked her into bed. He wasn't worried, if Autumn was going to be as much like him as she already was, he had a feeling they'd have plenty to talk about.

* * *

><p>Well, today was the day. It had been nearly four months since Gideon, Morgan and Prentiss had found out about Autumn's existence, and he finally decided that it wasn't fair for him to consider the team his family, and not properly introduce them to his daughter. So he had J.J. clear it with Hotch and make sure everything would be 'appropriate' for their arrival.<p>

Autumn was really excited to see where her daddy worked, and even had Garcia come over the night before to 'consult' her on what to wear.

She had grown a lot in the last few months, at ten-and-a-half months old she was nearly three feet tall, and had begun speaking in grammatically-correct full sentences. She loved repeating words she heard, so he restricted her from anything that might be a negative influence on her development. She liked watching TV with him occasionally, but preferred when he read to her and she could learn how to spell words. With how quickly she learned, he was positive she would be out-talking most adults by the time she started kindergarten.

The little girl was dressed up in a pretty, ruffled teal shirt and dark blue denim shorts that looked adorable on her and was perfect for the warm July weather. She was wearing her favorite 'wheely' skate sneakers, her short crimson locks framing her face in soft waves. She insisted on taking Bonnie - her favorite stuffed animal/blanket - with her.

She was impatient on the car ride, kicking her legs back and forth while squirming in her car seat, asking how long until they arrived. When they finally did make it to the BAU, she was amazed. She kept asking questions about everyone and everything there, listening happily as Reid explained what the bullpen and "round-table room" were for.

The team was waiting for them, and when they arrived, Autumn immediately ran over and hugged J.J. around her legs, "Hi Jayyyy!" she said happily.

"This is her?" Morgan asked, and Reid nodded, glancing sideways at his co-worker, "You seem surprised."

"I was expecting a miniature version of you - glasses and dorky haircut and all." Derek teased, and Spencer mock-glared at him.

"Where's Penny?" Autumn looked around, a slightly disappointed expression on her face, until she noticed Morgan, a new face, "Hiya! My name is Autumn Diana." she said in a very serious way that was unintentionally hilarious.

He laughed, "Okay, now I definitely see it."

* * *

><p>After all of the introductions were out of the way, the group decided to go out for lunch since, thankfully, they all had their paperwork caught up with for once.<p>

"Pizza?" Autumn asked hopefully from the back seat of the SUV.

Garcia grinned af her, "Is that what you want, Rubylocks?"

She nodded enthusiastically, "Yeah, so does Midnight 46."

The others (aside from Reid) exchanged confused looks, "Who?" Emily asked, curiously.

"Midnight 46." Autumn repeated slowly, as if they hadn't heard her properly the first time. "She's my new friend, she's a black Persian cat." She explained, "Daddy said she could go."

When Morgan cocked an eyebrow at the young genius, he lowered his voice and said "It's Autumn's imaginary friend, she's been talking about her for a couple of days now."

Ah, that made sense. Autumn's vocal and intellectual abilities were advancing the bigger she got, so her imagination must have become stronger as well.

To Reid's utter relief, Autumn had become rather attached to the team after that lunch together. Despite being able to pronounce all of their names, she still had cutesy little nicknames for each of his team members.

Emily was "Emmy", Garcia was "PG or Penny", Morgan was "Dare", Gideon was "JG", Hotch was still "Mr. Hotch" or "Jackie's Daddy", J.J. was "Jay" or Garcia and Prentiss's occasional nickname for her - "Jayje".

Thankfully they all liked her just as much, and the endless teasing about how geeky he was going to turn her was worth it when, that night, she handed him a scribbled drawing of each of them standing together in the BAU.

* * *

><p>Despite how much Autumn loved Jack and the few other friends she had met at the park and playgrounds nearby, it seemed like everyday she would meet a new "Friend" that only she could communicate with. There was two new ones in addition to the first: Lola 28 (a Yorkshire dog, according to her), and Pluto-the-Puppy.<p>

All children have imaginary friends at some point.

Autumn was incredibly bright and Reid knew it would only be a matter of time before she outgrew Midnight 46 all together, but for now he played along. Imagination was a good thing for children to have, it was healthy.

Well, that's what he thought in the beginning, anyway.

* * *

><p><strong>What do you think of the next chapter being Autumn celebrating her first birthday? I plan for it to be a lot of heartfelt, warm and fuzzy moments all around.<strong>

**P.S. Extra special reward to whoever can figure out where the name "Lola 28" comes from.**


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